Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Searching...

Searching…

I have spent a lot of time lately searching. Searching for what? I am not too sure. An answer of some sort I guess, the problem is that I really do not know the question (O.K., no Hitchhiker Guide jokes out there!). I want something to tell me it all in one simple format, and it needs to make sense to me. In science, there is the search for the “Everything Formula,” all of the secrets of the universe, wrapped up into a neat package. In literature, there is the perfect “Great American Novel,” one of struggle and failure, but perseverance and self-awareness conquers all. It inspires change in all and speaks to every reader. It is a unanimous selection as the best. In sports, there is the search for the “Dream Team,” a team of modern and classical players that not only were the best at their position, but would work perfectly as a team. I want my Christian “Everything Formula,” “Great American Novel,” or “Dream Team.” I want something to stand out and scream at me, “I am the answer and this is why!” Where are you?

My relationship with Christ has always been faithful. Growing up in a very “milk toast” community, God was just assumed to be there. I attended a Christian pre-school, prayed before dinner, but never attended church on any regular basis nor did we read the bible at home. Then, my good friend at the time invited me to a church based group called Awana. Even though I was Christened in the Lutheran Church, I felt compelled during this meeting to raise my hand to say I did not have a relationship with Jesus. That night, I truly met God with this group of youth leaders and confessed my faith and accepted Jesus into my heart. I was an emotionally awesome moment for me that I will never forget. As a 12 year old, I cried after my acceptance, and I felt great about it. I would love to say that my life was completely changed from this point, but I would be lying. True, I received my first bible for Christmas that year and tried to read it…failed. True, I began attending church with my friend on occasion, but on my own…failed. Many times I have been given perfect opportunities to disciple Christ to others…failed. While it was definitely a dramatic change in my life; I thought that accepting Christ as my Lord and Savior was supposed to solve all of my problems. Try again.

Fast forward a bit…the college years. During this time, I was a very conservative, right wing republican. You know…for God and County. Yeah, that type. I did not attend church, but still had my Student Bible and actually read a little bit now and again…the good parts (Genesis…Jesus…Revelations). Still, I was more interested in politics and how religion fit into that mold and not the other way around. It was simple…America is God’s country. So, when you think you know everything, life has a way of turning things on its head – I met a girl. To kill the suspense, she is now my wife. She was not too different from me, actually. We both knew Jesus as our Lord and Savior, pretty conservative, white picket fences, 2.5 kids, yadda, yadda, yadda. Yet, she WAS an avid church goer growing up…and her heart ached to go back. So, we began going to our current church home, and THAT is what has changed my life. The friends we met there are more family than friends – this is truly home. I have served on the Church Council, Bell Choir, Vocal Choir (they must have been VERY desperate), and I even teach a Sunday School class (again, they must be pretty desperate). My whole life basically revolves around church, family, and work, in no particular order. In fact, my whole world view is different than before and I consider myself much more socially liberal than I ever thought possible. With a consistent fiscal conservative nature of a banker, I am more Libertarian than anything. I feel that Jesus’ Love for us is perfect and the only way we can show appreciation for that love is to pass it along to all we know, friend or foe. Yet, something is still missing…an answer…THE answer.

This brings me to today. I continually scour the internet for blogs, articles, book suggestions that have the answer (think Matrix...kind of). There are thousands of different interpretations of the intentions of various passages in the Bible. Is there a Hell? What do we do about Gay Marriage? Islamic extremist terrorists want to kill us, is a good offense our best defense? Why did God create us, what was His motivation. Is God actually a He? Intelligent design? 7 days or billions of years? AAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Someone has the answer that make rational sense to me, I just have to keep looking.

Then tonight I had what a friend of mine would call a “God Winking Moment.” He told me, “Stop asking.” He directed my thoughts to what I have been studying in Genesis and Exodus – God’s plan can never be understood by us and we are just wasting our precious time trying to figure it out. Plus, in the end, it does not matter because He will always love me and take care of me because I am his faithful servant. Exodus 33:19 reads:

And the LORD said, "I will cause all my goodness to pass in front of you, and I will proclaim my name, the LORD, in your presence. I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion.

In other words, stop worrying about the details, God has it figured out for me already. All I need to do is have faith in Him and follow his word – God is the judge, not me.

Like that night at Awana, I feel like this is a changing point in my faith journey. While I may stub my toe again or may lose my way, I will never be the same Christian again. Praise be to God. Peace and Love Forever.

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